Quicksand
by Nina Vale
Summary: Now, that I'm sinking in the quicksand/And when the past flashes before me/I realize, realize my mistake /But I cannot go back/When the ground vanishes from beneath my feet/ And when I know I could've changed everything /I realize, I realize my mistake/But it's too late now… Sophie-centric. rated for some cuss words depression words and use of alcohol and nicotine abuse.


**Disclimer: This time I own nothing. Huntik belongs to Rainbow and Big Bocca and Quicksand belongs to the great Varius Manx. **

* * *

_Ja - zamknięta szczelnie w swej skorupie_

_(I-Shut tightly in my shell…)_

She's always been shutting herself off. Just like Zhalia. Years ago If someone had told her this, she'd be furious, she'd be arguing back saying she's not a cold bitch. Now however, now she had to admit it was the truth. She'd been running away, keeping away from people and telling herself little lies like the one that books will prepare her for everything, that she's perfectly capable of doing all on her own and anyone who has a different opinion is plainly stupid. She'd always been in denial, thinking she cannot be wrong or mistaken. But then again until she'd met Lok she'd only known and talked to LeBlanche and Santiago.

_Ja - powoli staram się zrozumieć  
Czemu chroniłeś mnie  
Wiem, że ciągle próbowałeś pomóc  
Wiem, że miałam Twoje słowa za nic  
Wiem już - myliłam się_

_(I-Slowly try to understand why.._

_You've protected me _

_I know that you only wanted to help _

_I know that your words meant nothing to me_

_I know now-I was wrong)_

She let out a sigh, taking a drag of a cigarette set in elegant holder and looking over at a photograph that stood on the nearby table. A photo of her family. Her eyes stopped for a while on a tallish figure of a young man with hair and eyes of exactly the same colour as hers. Lucas. Her older, protective brother. She remembered their first meeting. It had not been overly good one as he'd attacked her and her-then-team in library -to which she had some rights-and later on refused to let her go on a solo mission. Only now after getting to know her family history and after two wars with Blood Spirals, she slowly started to understand why exactly had he in mind. Why exactly he'd wished for to keep her away from this. He'd only wanted her to have a normal life like any other teenager. She of course wouldn't have any of it even though he'd even begged her. Begged. He; an older brother, a proud man, a Casterwill had been ready to beg her to drop out. Of course she had to have her own way. She just had to prove everyone how good she is and in the process put herself in danger. Countless times. She even took the strain of leadership on. She let out a bitter chuckle at the memory of her first fight and Nimue's death. Yeah that was her alright. Sophie The Great. People had got hurt because of her, Lucas had agreed to fight on her behalf and she? All she could do back then was feeling sorry for herself. She breathed out the smoke. She'd been really great, there was really no doubt. And then this whole situation with Dante…well that'd been yet another proof of people getting hurt and killed because of her. She'd been wrong, she'd been mistaken but it took years for her to finally realize it. And the price she had to pay for this realization was a high one.

_Teraz, gdy w ruchomych piaskach tonę  
I kiedy cała przeszłość przed oczami  
Rozumiem, rozumiem swój błąd,  
Lecz cofnąć się nie mam szans  
Kiedy ziemia niknie pod nogami  
I gdy już wiem, że mogłam wszystko zmienić  
Rozumiem, już rozumiem swój błąd,  
Lecz za późno już..._

_(Now, that I'm sinking in the quicksand _

_And when the past flashes before me_

_I realize, realize my mistake_

_But I cannot go back_

_When the ground vanishes from beneath my feet_

_And when I know I could've changed everything_

_I realize, I realize my mistake_

_But it's too late now…)_

She let out a puff of smoke and reached for the wine bottle to pour herself a glass. She didn't really care it was her third bottle already. She didn't give a damn. Just as she didn't give a damn about the hangover she'll have the next day. She took another drag of the cigarette and bowed her head. She really had enough. It was too much for her. Like every night the flashbacks of the past appeared before her, causing tears to well up in her eyes. Her first meeting with Lok and Dante, their missions together, the defeat of the Professor, finding Lok's father, meeting Nimue and Viviane, finding Willblade, first meeting with Lucas and his team, all those fights with Spirals, moments of happiness and sadness. It all flashed before her eyes. God how long it's been since all of this had taken place! What was it? Five years? Four? Such beautiful memories. All they've built and done

"And now all of this is in tatters" she muttered to herself taking a sip from the glass. Oh, yeah, everything has crumbled and all due to her stupid pride and certainty that she's the best and wisest. What a pretty idiot she'd been. Now looking back she knew there was no other end to this. Her thoughtless decisions just had to lead to a fall. She let out a deep sigh. She'd give everything to go back in time. She'd go and talk to her past self, slap it, hit it on the back of the head and then lock that girl up in the room until she'd come to her senses. She took another gulp of wine and drag of cigarette. Wishful thinking. There was no turning it all back. She couldn't even mend it. She'd gone too far.

_Ty - wiedziałeś, którą wybrać ścieżkę  
Ty - umiałeś chwycić mnie za rękę  
Kiedy spadałam w mrok_

_(You-you knew which path to choose_

_You-you caught my hand _

_As I was falling into darkness)_

Her thoughts drifted back to her brother and friends, especially Lok and Dante. All three of them had been so wonderful. They'd protected her and supported her. Dante and Lok had her back even when it's been against all logic and sense. They'd been doing it because she was their friend. And what'd she done in return? Nothing. She could barely muster an occasional thank you. None of them had heard it from her. She'd denied Lucas this, because she though him a cowardly fool and to Lok and Dante…well because they'd never asked. They'd never brought it up and she'd treated their actions as if it's been due to her.

"Oh, girly, girly, it's a wonder you've had any friends at all" she sighed "I wouldn't want to be fucking friends with me myself. If I'd met that girl I was…I'd be appalled with her. As I was appalled with Zhalia for her rudeness and harsh words. Come to think of it I wasn't any better. Heck even worse"

She took another gulp. Yes. But despite all this, despite of her horrible behavior, despite of her leaving Dante to death twice, not noticing Lok and treating her brother like dirt, all three men had supported and cared for her.

_Dziś brakuje mi Twej dobrej rady  
Dziś nie umiem sobie z tym poradzić  
Dzisiaj zapadam się_

_(Now, I miss your good advice_

_Now, I can't deal with all this_

_Now, I'm falling apart)_

All those years ago she'd rebelled. She'd yelled. She'd prayed for Lucas to get off her case. Just like for everybody who dared to have a different opinion. But now? Oh cruel irony! Now she'd give everything to see her brother's face on the Council meeting or to hear a knock on the door and have him tell her off. Tell her what to do. Or at least for Dante to appear and advise her. But none of them would come. She'd made sure of it. After all she knows best, doesn't she? She chuckled humorlessly and took an even stronger drag of cigarette. She knew that tomorrow the whole room as well as her clothes and hair will stink, and her head will be killing her.

"But I don't give a single damn" she told herself "this way I at least can cope with all this shit"

_Teraz, gdy w ruchomych piaskach tonę  
I kiedy cała przeszłość przed oczami  
Rozumiem, rozumiem swój błąd,  
Lecz cofnąć się nie mam szans  
Kiedy ziemia niknie pod nogami  
I gdy już wiem, że mogłam wszystko zmienić  
Rozumiem, już rozumiem swój błąd,  
Lecz za późno już..._

_(Now, that I'm sinking in the quicksand _

_And when the past flashes before me_

_I realize, realize my mistake_

_But I cannot go back_

_When the ground vanishes from beneath my feet_

_And when I know I could've changed everything_

_I realize, I realize my mistake_

_But it's too late now…)_

She fell onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. Tomorrow had another argument with The Council in store for her. Foucault give her a dressing of her life again. The Rune Guardians, or rather Guardian as there was just one left alive, will shake his head looking at her with disapproval. Who else was left? Ah, Viviane. Her once friend and support ever since the second war barely appeared on the meetings proffering to stay in England. And when she did appear she wouldn't say much, humming to herself absently. Teien? No use of her, since she was in a comma. To tell the truth, one of the things to discuss was whenever to switch her life support off or not. Lucas? Gods, had she only known where he was now! The scene of their last fight flashed before her eyes-the harsh, hateful words and the silence after them. Once more she heard the slam of the door as he left. She'd never seen him again since then. Dellix and Lane followed after him very soon. She shook her head. She'd really made mess of things. And not just with the family. Her friendships has fallen apart just as well. It wasn't as bad as with Lucas...it was just that life got in the way. At first she didn't make much effort, too busy with her little illusions. And thus her friends slowly drifted away, sucked in by their own personal lives and problems. They had less and less time for old friendships. She sometimes got an odd word with them during an occasional call or chance meeting on a street. But it was just a brief small talk. They didn't have time for more. Dante and Zhalia got their jobs, missions and two kids to think of. Den and Harrison were back in Netherlands now as a separate team in their own right. Lok? After his father's return he went back to Ireland and sunk into the life of University student. He surely had a new girlfriend now. She let out a deep sigh. She should've nurtured those bonds, should've taken more interest. She desperately wished to travel back in time to save everything and have the life she had at sixteen. She wanted to have the life Nimue believed it would be. Like everyone hoped and believed it would be. But that was impossible. How ironic. She-the great, powerful queen worshiped by everyone and welcomed with warmth when she came to talk with Foundation…though even this started to change. The old members started to back down and disappear. There was more and more people that didn't know her personally. They were completely different people than those she'd started with. People bowed to her, adored her even but that was just diplomatic façade. It wasn't real. She reached for the cigarette once again. She felt cold, so cold and cigarettes and alcohol made her feel better, safer, warmer. Especially now with LeBlanche Santiago gone. They both were long dead. The former died a year ago, the latter protecting her in a battle. They've died and she didn't even get to thank them. She never got to thank the others too. And now it was too late. They were dead and those alive didn't even want to accept her apologies anymore.

"You've been too late, little fool" she said "too late"

* * *

**Soo. Another long lost one-shot written a year or even two ago. My take on Sophie's life and her regrets. I know this isn't the way things are gonna be, because everyone loves her too much to just let their lives get in a way of helping her. No matter how she'd act and be and how many hurtful things she'd say. But well…people write angst for Zhalia, for Dante. I did to. I mean I've done whole the "Zhalia leaving" songfics. Now let's have some justice again. **

_**Song: Varius Manx-Quicksands(Ruchome Piaski) **_


End file.
